Unexpected 41 Bonus Days

I had just hit 34 weeks and was getting anxious and excited the closer I was to my due date. I had cleaned my house, washed baby sheets and clothes and put things away dreaming about the day I’d bring my boy home in what was supposed to be 6 more weeks. That night I went to bed feeling accomplished and ready for a full day of teaching and parent teacher conferences the next day. Only to be woken up a couple of hours later by my water breaking in bed.

I remember thinking, “no... no its too early.” I was scared out of my mind. Now, I chose to be a single mom through the use of a donor so I live alone and had no one to talk me through anything. I called and called my family members phones but everyone was dead asleep. After driving myself to the hospital and checking myself in to labor and delivery, it was confirmed that my water had broken. “You earned yourself a ticket to stay” my midwife exclaimed. Next came the logistics. The talk of risks and what to expect delivering a 34 week old baby. The NICU team met with me once I was transferred to my delivery room to go over what would happen once he was born. “It’s going to go one of two ways. He’s either going to come out crying and we will place him on your chest for a few minutes for you to hold him or he will come out not crying and we will have to take him right away.” I remember feeling so scared and helpless and guilty that i did something wrong to cause a premature labor. Yet through all the fears I was excited to meet my boy just praying he’d come out crying. My parents and best friend eventually answered my calls and met me at the hospital where they supported me through my 11 hour labor and delivery.

My sweet 34 week old boy, Edison Keith was born at 10:48 am on October 7th, 2019 weighing 5 pounds 13 ounces and 19 inches. He came out beautiful and crying. They set him on my chest long enough for me to hold him and get a picture and then took him to take his vitals and check his breathing.

He needed to be under the support of CPAP for the first few days and was struggling hard to breath that very first day. I’ll never forget the humming sound he made as he took every breath and watching his chest collapse deeply in and out. Part of me wishes I had never gone to see him that way because I still sometimes can’t get that sound and vision out of my head. The doctor kept saying he thought he would need to be intubated but was going to let him fight. And fight he did. I finally got to hold him that evening for the first time and I remember feeling his tiny body on my chest and never wanting to let him go. I’ll never forget waking in the night to calls from the NICU needing to so sign consent forms for them to place picc lines or IVs in his belly button or forehead because they couldn’t place them in his hands or feet. I was then unable to hold him due to the risk of the IV placements. I would go a day or two without holding him only being able to hold his little fingers or rub his back. After CPAP he was on high flow oxygen breathing room air. He spent about a week in the critical care NICU and then once he was off oxygen support he moved to a less critical care NICU where he had his own boarding room. From then on he spent 2.5 weeks with a feeding tube learning to feed on his own.

This was the longest 2.5 weeks of my life. I felt like he was never going to get it. Never going to come home. I was frustrated and defeated every day when he would only drink a few mls here and there. They always told me “one day he is just going to get it and he’ll be going home, I promise!” I never believed them because it wasn’t happening. I was tired of only being able to hold my baby in a chair next to his isolette not being able to carry him more than a foot. I was exhausted from listening to his monitors beeping and having my heart stop every time one made a different or more aggressive sound and whipping my head around to check the numbers. I was frustrated that one day he’d make progress and the next day he’d go backwards.

I was tired of walking out of the NICU after spending a 14 hour day there only to drive home without my baby every single night crying the whole way.

Now, I of course was exhausted, defeated and sad. However, I have never in my life experienced such an amazing, loving group of nurses who spent every moment of their shift loving my baby like their own. Answering all of my questions and reassuring me that yes, everything he is doing is normal and yes, he will go home with me someday. They never seemed phased by my repetitive questions and repetitive doubts being nothing but positive and supportive. I’ll never forget those nurses who fought for my baby those days, talking so sweetly to him and loving him when I wasn’t there. They’re the true heroes of the NICU.

I’ll never forget the day he finished his first whole bottle. I went home that night and cried. Praying that this meant he was on his way home. The next day and night he drank more almost full bottles. The doctors told me at rounds the next morning that he was ready to try to eat at his own leisure and as long as he wasn’t losing weight and staying hydrated we could talk about going home. That night he passed his car seat test and then the next morning finally after what seemed like 23 very long, emotional and exhausting days, the nurse practitioner looked at me and said, “do you think you feel ready to take him home today?” I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I had spent every minute wishing he’d come home but when she asked me that question I doubted everything. Was I ready? Could I take him home?

I called up my Mom and hours later he was getting his wires taken off, his feeding tube out and we were putting him in his car seat to go home.

You hear people talk about their baby being in the NICU. You think, “oh gosh, that must be so hard!” But until you’re actually a NICU parent yourself, you don’t actually know how hard it really is. I still have anxieties about my baby, I still replay the moments he spent on the NICU and I still worry about him every second of the day. But I am so thankful for the experience because I love him harder than I ever could have imagined. I met some amazing NICU staff, I grew closer to my family and friends who sat by my side and I spent 23 days learning all of the things I wouldn’t have learned if I had gone home after 3 days in the hospital with a full term baby.

NICU life is hard and has long lasting feelings and memories, makes you stronger as a parent and love your baby like crazy. My heart goes out to all of the other parents who go through a NICU stay.

23 long days in the NICU but 41 bonus days I wouldn’t have got with my baby.

-Mama Lauren