#30DaysofBrave Day 25- Aubree

I was 36 weeks along and I went into labor.

Upon birth:

I did not hear him cry.

I did not see him.

There was silence and panic in the room all at once.

No one said anything as they wheeled my baby out of the room.

I had a plan. It was not supposed to go this way.

I was not prepared for this.

The first time I saw my son was 2.5 hours after his birth. He was attached to multiple cords, had a feeding tube, and CPAP machine attached to him. The Nurses could not tell us what had happened after his birth, we had to ‘wait for the Doctor to arrive.’ All I wanted to do was scoop him up and hold him- but I couldn’t. I was told to not touch him until ‘the Doctor arrived.’ 

My hormones already at full capacity, went into overdrive. I was angry, worried, upset, shocked, and sad all at once. What happened to my baby boy during birth? Why can’t I hold him? What are all these wires and machines for? I had so many questions and no answers until ‘the Doctor arrived.’

The Doctor finally ‘arrived’ and let me know that the transition from womb to birth was too quick, and my son was not able to breathe on his own. This is why I was not able to see him, hear him, or hold him. Right now, the CPAP machine was helping him breathe. The Doctor told us that we will have to wait it out and see how he does. I asked the Doctor all my questions; I got many answers. But none of them were the answers I was hoping for, because it could not redo my son’s birth experience. 

I missed the golden hour with my son right after birth, but my golden hour came at that time I first held him-5 hours later. I didn’t get to hold him free of wires and a CPAP machine, but I did get to hold him. I did not hear his first cry after birth, the Doctors and Nurses at the NICU did. But when he did cry for the first time, that was my first experience with this sound. 

My first ‘firsts’ with my son will always be in the NICU, and that was not how it was supposed to go. 

No one plans for early labor. No one plans for a NICU experience-especially when your baby is nearly full-term. But life does not always go the way we plan, and it is ok to be unprepared. 

My son and I’s birth/labor story was traumatic, and it is something that I replay on a daily basis. With the help of close family and friends, I’m able to talk through it when I need to. It doesn’t change what happens, but it does get easier to talk about. 

With @ProjectNICU, I was able to build a support system with others that had a NICU experience and/or a traumatic birth story. I’m thankful everyday for them and my son being with us here today. 

As a new #ProjectNICUAmbassador, I and @ProjectNICU want to let you know that I am here to help support you when you are ready, and however you are ready to talk through. The NICU can be a very lonely and overwhelming experience, and I don’t want you to have to go through it alone. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me or @ProjectNICU!

#NICUAwarenessmonth #MyNICUExperience #ProjectNICUAmbassador