#30DaysofHope Day 8 - Kayla

"My name is Kayla, I’m a mom to a 23 weeker, Amari.

This was my first pregnancy and I never expected it to go like this. Hard is an understatement when it comes to being a NICU parent.

I had my son at 23 weeks, 6 days and it was completely out of the blue. He weighed 1 pound 9.5 ounces. I went for an ultrasound two weeks prior to having him and everything was fine, baby and I were as healthy as can be. I went into the hospital on August 28, 2021 at 4cm dilated and was told I was staying until I had my son. My due date was December 20, 2021. On August 29, 2021 at approximately 6:00 pm I was told that I had to deliver my son via c-section as soon as possible. I was a complete and total wreck. At this point I had a ton of nurses and doctors coming into my room from NICU and for me. A lot of them were basically telling me my son wasn’t going to make it. That definitely didn’t make the process any easier for me. Fast forward a little bit and here we are a little over two months later and my son is still here, he’s finally breathing on his own. It was so incredibly hard to not be able to hold my son for the first month of his life but I’m just thankful for everyday now where I get to pick him up and hold him for however long I want.

We’ve been in NICU for about 68 days now and we still have a long way to go before he can come home. For the longest time I blamed myself for putting us in this situation, I blamed myself for him possibly not being here, but i’ve come to realize that it’s not my fault.

At the end of the day I have to be grateful that my little boy is here and thriving. I have to be grateful that I am so lucky to love my little boy longer. We’ve been through so many ups and downs, had so many setbacks but we’re finally looking up. This journey, as I’m sure all NICU parents know, is not fun. You get told so many things that you never thought you’d hear and it really breaks you sometimes.

I personally went through (and still somewhat going through) a very deep and dark depression. For a long time I didn’t know which way was up. Truth be told that’s what being a NICU parent is, going through a rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis but there does come a time where that rollercoaster is only going uphill.

I’m so thankful my son is here and for my amazing support system in my boyfriend. While we’re going through this journey together there isn’t a day that goes by where he’s not right there by my side.

Parents, keep your heads up while you go through this. It’s rough and full of many different emotions but y’all are strong, where do you think your kids got it from? lol."