#30DaysofHope - Sarah

December 11th the day my world changed. On December 11th, 2020, my day started off like any other Friday. I woke up at 3 am to get up and get ready for work and I was super excited because after work I was going to my Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment.

At my MFM appointments they do ultrasounds to track her size and health. My MFM had been watching me closely because early on they discovered Magnolia’s umbilical cord did not attach to the center of my placenta like it should have and instead it attached to the edge in what is called a marginal insertion. The next appointment I had they announced that she was small and that they would need to monitor her growth because she was measuring 4 days behind. As much as I loved going to MFM and seeing my daughter on the screen these appointments stressed me out. So, when I was told that I would need a follow up to watch her growth in 3 weeks I was very hopeful that she would grow bigger. The day of the follow up growth ultrasound God decided that he should dump fifteen inches of snow in Lorain County, and I had to cancel my appointment. We rescheduled for 11 days later. I remember being so upset that I had to reschedule my appointment but was hopeful Magnolia would grow even bigger during that time. Fast forward to December 11th, 2020, when I went to my appointment. My appointment started off as normal. The medical assistant called me back for my appointment, weighed me, and reviewed my med list with me. Marsha my favorite ultrasound tech was waiting for me. We started my ultrasound like usual. What seemed like a million pictures later Dr. Khoury came in and said he needed more pics of certain things, and I knew things were not better than the last appointment. So, after they got all the pics that they needed Dr. Khoury told me very calmly that she only gained three ounces in a month and that my amniotic fluid levels had dropped. My placenta decided that it no longer wanted to work for me. Then he told me words that I was not expecting that I needed to check into Fairview into the high-risk OB unit where I would stay until I delivered. The Dr may have explained at that time I was going to have a c-section, but I did not grasp what was going on. I went into a tunnel. I remember bargaining to go home long enough to grab a phone charger and a few things. Marsha was incredibly supportive and gave me tissues and helped me to stay calm. I called my sister Martha and told her the news and she picked me up at the doors. On the way home I messaged my boss at work, along with friends and family about the situation and what I understood to be going on that I would be on bedrest and stay until the baby was born.

When I arrived at Fairview to check in Toni was in triage who I met a few weeks before when I was in a panic and could not feel her moving. That was an immediate comfort. Toni got me checked in and then they transferred me to my room. After I was settled in my room and was tested for Covid and found negative the doctors started coming in. I really do not remember their names just their faces. That is when it became clear that I was not just on bedrest and being monitored. I would be delivering a baby that weekend. They started me on steroid injections to develop her lungs and a medication called Magnesium to protect her brain. I was also informed that I would be having a c-section on Sunday, and we would be avoiding labor and a vaginal delivery because Magnolia would not make it through the trauma of delivery. The main objective was for me to keep her in for 24 hours until she received both doses of the steroid injection. So, Friday night I tried to sleep which is easier said than done when my vitals were constantly being taken, and they had to keep adjusting the monitors on my stomach that watched her heart rate. In the middle of the night, I ended up sobbing because suddenly I had the realization that Magnolia’s estimated birth weight of one pound four ounces was the same weight as a 20-ounce bottle of soda and it shook me to the core. How could something that small survive??? Around 3 am the nurse noticed Magnolia’s heart rate dipping, so she called Dr. Ferry (not sure about the spelling) the OB on call down to check me out with the ultrasound. The Dr was counting her movements, watching her heartbeat, and watching her practice breathing. Magnolia passed the test with 8/8. So, no emergency c-section was needed that night.

Saturday morning, I was tired. I told myself I could sleep on Sunday after I delivered. I was only allowed a clear liquid diet and was living on chicken broth, popsicles, Italian ice, water, and Jell-O. More doctors came in to see me and check me out. Sometime Saturday afternoon Martha (my sister) went to pick up some food for herself and the next thing I know 4 or 5 people were in my room with me. From somewhere they were able to monitor the baby’s heartbeat and they were getting worried. Magnolia’s heart rate was telling them that we could not wait much longer, and she was getting tired. They tried turning me on my side to see if her heart rate would improve. It seemed to do ok, but the nurse thought she was feeling me have contractions. So, I asked for my cellphone, called Martha, and said it is time and to hurry back. The OB told me she thought we could wait, and she did not need to hurry back. I am glad Martha did anyway. So, things calmed down and we were having a party in my room it seemed like and then as soon as Martha got back, they announced it was time. So, at 27 weeks 5 days gestation my daughter was delivered.

More people came to my room to get me prepped for an emergency c-section. The next thing I know I am being wheeled down to the OR and being prepped for surgery. At 5:37 pm on 12/12/2020 my daughter entered the world, and I began the scariest and hardest adventure of my life, Motherhood.

The next 111 days were some of the hardest days of my life. December 14th I was woken by a nurse I think around 5 or 6 am to be given my routine Tylenol and as she was going to leave my room a doctor from the NICU came in to see me and update me. I am not sure if my nurse already knew what he was going to tell me or not, but she asked if I wanted her to stay with me and I said yes because I was all alone that night. The doctor came in and very calmly explained to me that Magnolia had a level 2 brain bleed, and her lungs hemorrhaged that night. They put Magnolia on the oscillating ventilator which helped my sweet girl’s lungs keep getting stronger. Magnolia was stable and he had tried to see me at 3 am to tell me after she was stabilized but that I was asleep, and he decided to let me sleep. I of course went to the NICU as soon as I could after I got the news and ate breakfast. That was the first morning I went down for rounds. It was the very first day that I met the team. After that day they were "Our Team". It was also the very first time that I met our social worker, Sammy. Sammy was like an angel during our stay making sure that we had resources at our disposal. Sammy was able to help me fill out and submit various documents and paperwork for insurance. We still see Sammy when we go to the preemie clinic, and I make sure to send her pictures of Magnolia to share with our team.

One of my favorite memories from the NICU was on December 19th, 2020. It was the first time I got to kangaroo with Magnolia. After 7 long days of only being able to sit next her incubator talking to her, her little hand holding my fingertip, participating in care, I got to hold my tiny little girl. If I am being completely honest, I was a mixture of excited and terrified at the same time to hold her. Magnolia was so tiny, and they were giving me instructions on how to hold her. I remember being told to keep my hand on her head not just for support but to keep her from extubating. I kept my hand firmly on the back of her head the whole time I got to hold her. But once I got her put on my chest where I could barely feel the weight of her, and I could not see her without the help of a mirror it is like we both melted together. I was able to relax, and she relaxed on my chest. I remember thinking wow she knows who I am.

Eventually we ended up with our three primaries. We had two on the day shift named Kathleen and Amy and one on night shift named Maddie. We were truly blessed to have them by our side. They fought for our girl as much and even harder than I did. They were also there to comfort me and give me words of advice when I needed them most. Honestly, I could not imagine going through the NICU without them by our side. I would spend 3 hours or so a day there in the NICU most days and on Sundays I started going in on the night shift just so I could get to know that team as well. By going in on the night shift I was also able to be there when they weighed my girl and give her a bath as well.

One of the last care meetings we had the NICU doctor on rotation had talked to me about Magnolia not finishing feeds and that it was getting close to time to make a decision as it was the only thing holding her in the NICU. I was devastated. There is nothing wrong with a tube fed baby as it what was how she was receiving her nutrition, but I knew she could learn to take bottles. I was given a list of options. I decided to think it over with our care team and give myself sometime. I finally got to the point of being resigned to the fact that she was going to go home with a tube feed. I decided that I would announce my decision after Easter. I wanted to spend Easter with our family at Fairview and then get the procedure done. I remember the first night I called in and was told that Magnolia finished her feed that night. The night nurse was not her primary and when she told me that Magnolia finished her bottle, I reiterated to her I was Magnolia’s mom Sarah, the nurse said I know she finished her feed that night. That same day later in the afternoon I went to visit and the nurse who had her wasn’t a primary, but I got to know her well said have you seen her yet? I said no so I hurried over from washing my hands to see what was going on and she was tube free. Magnolia was ready, and the nurses convinced the doctor to keep it out and see how she would do. It was successful and we no longer needed a NG tube anymore.

I remember March 29th going in for a morning visit before work that day and being there for rounds. That morning will go down as one of my favorite days in the NICU. The team just nonchalantly said it looks like Magnolia could go home as early as Thursday. They asked us if we had roomed in yet and we said no. We scrambled to schedule to room in that night. That night was the first night I got to spend the night with my girl. I did not sleep the entire night. I was too excited getting to feel like a real mom to my baby. Every time I laid my girl down, she would fuss thinking that I was going to leave her. It was the first night I truly felt like I was her mom. I got to prepare Magnolia’s bottles for her, change her diapers and everything all by myself.
The best day of my life was Friday April 2nd, 2021, which coincidentally was Good Friday. That was the day I got to bring Magnolia home! It was bittersweet in ways. I had gotten so close with the amazing NICU at Fairview that I was sad to leave them. That day in D Room it was a day of celebration as most of the occupants were going home that day. The room was aflutter with everyone coming in to see the babies going home one last time. I hugged so many people and we cried happy tears celebrating that Magnolia made it and was going home. My one regret from that day was not taking pictures of everyone with Magnolia and not videoing us leaving the NICU. My sister had gone to get the car pulled up and I will never forget holding Magnolia in her car seat I was wheeled out of the D room as they clapped us out. I started crying as I was not expecting them to do that.
To this day I am beyond grateful for the amazing NICU at Cleveland Clinic Fairview because of all the love and support they gave my daughter and me.