52 Days of Pain & Rage

"I never thought that my first pregnancy would be so complex. I never knew why babies ended up in the NICU but I quickly learned. During my pregnancy I experienced HG, Mallory Weiss Tear, and severe preeclampsia. No matter how sick I got I affirmed “I will not deliver early. This baby will make it full term” but I was mistaken.

At 28 weeks I was hospitalized for a second time, but this time I wasn’t discharged, they said I had to deliver to cure the preeclampsia. The next day at, 29 weeks as they prepped me for the emergency c section, I coded. When I finally woke up I was in the ICU and the baby was in the NICU. I went from thinking I was still pregnant to now being talked to about my own recovery, breastfeeding to help her during her early stages, and more. I could barely produce due to what happened to me and during my golden moment where I could, my mental health wasn’t where it was supposed to be. There was a lot of things I wasn’t educated about such as the rooms offered to NICU moms, resources, etc. because they normally tell you after you deliver, I didn’t get that moment and even when I woke up no one still explained. I missed the first bath and other vital moments throughout the journey.

She had a hole in her chest that kept filling up with fluids so they had to try try to close it twice. The mark is still here until this day. The occurrences she continuously had were due to eating too fast and heart decreases, so her come home day kept getting pushed back. I blamed myself for not knowing and was hurt that we could not spend 40 weeks together, I was full of rage because I had to leave the NICU everyday, and that along with the doctors not knowing that something was wrong. After the car seat test those feelings were slowly going away and happiness was close.

The NICU is a terrifying place because you never know what phone call to expect as anything can happen, but the nurses are there to walk you every step of the way and I’ll forever be grateful for that. " NICU Mama, Jasmine