It shouldn't be this way.

Scrolling through pictures this evening from when the twins were born, Benjamin looked at one of him attached to the IVs, monitors, etc. and uttered “uh oh. Boo boo?” While I know he has no clue about the severity of the pictures, it did bring back some sad memories.

The fact that their first pictures have all those wires, the NG tube, the IVs, laying in an isolate. You are right, buddy.

It shouldn’t be this way. It should be me and the twins in cute matching outfits, sharing a room on the maternity floor.

It should be happy memories, instead of memories of tears shed and anxiety ridden days and nights. We shouldn’t have to have all the worries associated with being a preemie mom (who visits us, are people sick, taking them out.)

It shouldn’t have taken 3 IVF rounds to conceive our blessings. I shouldn’t blame myself for suffering from infertility, developing preeclampsia, and having the babies born early. But I do. 

I thought my anxiety had been under control, and up until their birth, it had been.

The whole NICU experience caused it to rear its ugly head. I struggled with being separated from the twins.

I struggled with hearing other babies cry in the rooms next to us and looking at an empty basinet in mine.

Although I trusted those nurses with everything, the hardest part of coping was not being the one who was taking care of my babies. The struggles continued past their first birthday, including when they had COVID and I wondered again how I failed them.

And to be honest, I am improving on second guessing and blaming myself.

I am realizing that while things shouldn’t have happened the way they did, it is Benjamin and Lillian’s story. It is proof that they are miracles and fighters.

It is proof that you have many who love you and nurses and doctor’s who believe in you and your children. It’s not taking away from the fact of what you lost, but also thinking about what good came out of it.

The people you met in the NICU, the friends in support groups, and how you can help others through what is a scary and unknown experience.

I gained an amazing counselor who has helped me learn to process our NICU and birth experience and to cope better with it. And having these two blessings to cuddle every evening has been worth every tear and every struggle.