Journaling and the NICU

I was never a writer before Arthur. I never felt like journaling clicked for me, I didn't "get it", I thought it felt clunky and awkward and even a little embarrassing, like I was "talking to myself".

The experience of carrying, delivering, and raising Arthur has completely changed my opinion of the practice and I am now a major supporter of writing as a means to manage big thoughts, scary feelings, and quickly changing circumstances.

The Benefits of Journaling:

*It's a Safe Space*
You know what's great about writing down how you're feeling? A journal can't judge you. It can't talk back or interrupt you. It can't misunderstand you. It can't belittle or dismiss you. Your journal won't correct you or guilt you. It's the perfect neutral confidante during a time when it may feel like a lot of people just don't understand.

*It Might Make Expressing Your Needs Easier*
You may find journaling self affirming and validating as you navigate thoughts and feelings you've never felt before. Your feelings *are* valid, and you deserve to be able to express them to both yourself and others. Journaling can help you figure out if your feelings are attached to a need. Do you write about feelings of overwhelm? What need could be filled by someone else to help manage that? Do you express feelings of anger? Do you need more information, do you need encouragement, do you need to just be allowed to be angry and have someone hear you out?

*It's Perfect for Processing*
Your journal doesn't care if you say the same thing ten times on ten different days. It doesn't mind if your thoughts are messy or if you contradict yourself. It's the perfect place to take a chaotic jumble of emotions and iron them out one by one. In doing so, you may find your emotions and scary, sad, or overwhelmed thoughts are easier to name, accept, and let pass.

*It's a Good Place for Noting the Good Stuff*
In my journals about our time in the NICU, I spent a lot of time talking about Arthur's utter perfection. He was covered in cords and stickers and often had a CPAP mask on, but he was perfect. When we did kangaroo care, he would sigh the tiniest baby sigh. His itty bitty preemie fingers would spread out on his daddy's warm chest as they soaked in each other's company. He would stretch and pull amazing faces when we unwrapped him for a diaper change. He projectile pooped twice on his nurses in one day. I wrote about the first time he took a bottle without a Brady event, the day that he got his feeding tube pulled out, the day he hit three pounds, and on and on. I never want to forget those quiet moments, those tiny details, and those huge wins, and I'm so glad I wrote them down.

*It Can Help You Keep Information Straight*
In my journaling, I often started out with whatever I had heard from the nurses and doctor during morning rounds. Weight, breathing, how much milk he was taking per feed, any notable changes in his medications and supplements, and procedures he would be having, etc. I would also write down what the most current goals were that the nurses were keeping track of. This helped me keep my head above water as I swam through so much overstimulating information. It also helped me to recenter when I got frustrated. I often felt the most frustrated on the days when not much was going on because I couldn't *see* the progress, he wasn't making any huge leaps and I was just stuck, waiting, wishing. Being able to list what all we were working on behind the scenes sometimes helped those feelings of helplessness.

Where to begin:

There is no "right way" to journal.
You can make chronological bullet points about your day. You can tell a story about how things are going. You can write to your baby about the experience and how you're feeling (this is what I did and I found it extremely rewarding because I could explain my feelings to him which often made them easier to understand for me). You can take a jumble of fears and name each one, then consider how you might go about mitigating them. Do you need to ask the doctor some questions? Do you need to know the game plan? Do you need to say your fears/sadness/anger out loud to someone trusted so they can hold up the weight of it with you?

You might try several different ways to journal. And on different days you may use different methods. There are no rules, you don't have to write every day or you can write many smaller things multiple times a day. Your entries don't have to be pages long. You don't have to use ten colors of gel pen with stickers and cute patterned borders....or you can. 

I chose to write my journals into a phone app. I always had my phone with me and it was easy enough to pop open a fresh page and write down a burning thought that I needed to get out right then and there. I still use it to this day and Arthur just turned ten months old.

No matter how you go about it, journaling can be an incredible tool for validating your experience, empowering your own voice in the process, and identifying areas where you need help. Because of my decision to journal, I have detailed stories to look back on, a better understanding of how my brain works under stress, and a lifelong tool for improving my communication.

The NICU is not a time and place to keep it all locked up inside.
Find your outlet, whatever it may be. You'll be glad you did.