Mama, I See You

“The NICU is a life changing place. It’s hard to describe and put into words for people who’ve never experienced it; the highs are high & the lows are low. Walking in every single day and never knowing what to expect, not wanting to get your hopes up that “today is the day we get to all go home…. together” but also not wanting to be too negative. Spending hours and hours around beeping machines to the point you still hear them long after you’ve gone home and are tucked into bed. The hard uncomfortable chairs, the smell, the smell of hospital instead of fresh & clean, lotion-ed up newborn. It’s the place my son Griffin called home for the first 2.5 weeks of his life. The NICU is a place of hope, sadness, bravery and home to the tiniest mightiest little fighters!! From the tubes, the beeping, the noises, the babies all around you crying, the uncertainty, the fear, the questions, the self doubt, and the fact you feel your whole world is crumbling while everybody else around you just keeps going on - business as usual wishing and longing for the days that that will be your life again. just the simple day to day stuff. To now admiring my big, happy, healthy, thriving perfect little man. Griffin made me stronger, he taught me if you really dig deep within yourself you can and you will get through it.

the NICU will forever be a part of our story - the place I have nightmares about, but the same very place that ensured my baby boy got strong and healthy. It takes something special to be a NICU nurse, I’m forever grateful to the ladies who took care of my boy. Although that part of our story is over, it still hurts, it always will.

So...

To the mama rocking her baby covered in wires and tubes feeling completely out of your depth, I SEE YOU.

To the mama who has yet to be able to hold her baby, I SEE YOU.

To the mama who’s angry and questioning what she possibly could have done to end up here, I SEE YOU.

To the mama with other kiddos at home who feels guilty leaving for the day to be there for your helpless baby in the NICU feeling like your heart is constantly in two different places, I SEE YOU

I see you.

I hear you.

I know your hurting & scared.

I know your putting a brave face on, just know, you are not as alone as you think!” NICU Mama Matahia