NICU Mama Lena

I have never told this story so bare with me as I try this for the first time.

I remember going on our hospital tour and being told about how amazing the NICU at the hospital was, as we left I said to my husband that I was glad to be delivering there because of that.

Later that evening I asked him to promise me that if Jaxon needed to go to the NICU he would go with him, he laughed and said he would but that I needed to stop worrying.

We made a couple trips to the hospital once I hit about 38 weeks thinking I was in labor but it was just a false alarm. Finally the real thing was happening, 40 some odd hours of contractions and we were admitted to the hospital. Before we knew it I was pushing and 45 minutes later our son joined the world.

As they handed him to me I knew something wasn't right. He laid on my chest completely silent, not a grunt or whimper. I kept telling my husband that this wasn't right, he's supposed to be crying. The nurse took Jaxon over to the side, weighed him and tried to see what was going on. Still not a sound.

They handed him back to me, thinking maybe some skin to skin would help, still nothing.

He was struggling to breathe, I never noticed how hard he struggled until I looked at the first pictures we have of him and saw his chest contract so much.

Finally they called in someone, I don't know who he was to be completely honest but he looked like he knew what he was doing. He informed my husband and I that they were going to take Jaxon to the NICU to get him on some oxygen and run some further tests.

Every thought washed over me at that moment. No one told me how to handle them taking my brand new baby away, no one could tell me how long he would be there, no one had the answers to help me. My husband kissed me and promised it would be okay.

As they took Jaxon to the NICU my doctor held my hand and told me to be strong for him, he was in the best hands he could be. It felt like hours had passed. Finally they were going to let me go see him, I was so excited. I wanted to hold him and give him all the kisses I could.

I was never going to put him down. Much to my surprise I couldn't hold him, he laid there with all kinds of wires hooked to him and I couldn't hold him. I held his hand and begged him to please just be strong and keep fighting. My husband said as they put the IV in his head he still hadn't cried.

We were left with a million questions and told we would get some answers in the morning. My husband and I made our way to the recovery room, we were told to get some rest while we could. Neither of us knew how to get some rest with so much worry.

What had I done wrong, why was he having such a hard time breathing, would he be okay, how long would we be here, when can I hold him, when can we go home and be a family?

Shortly after we went to our room we decided to go back to the NICU and just spend some time next to him. I remember being wheeled in there for the first time, seeing the itty bitty tiny babies, and then our chunky monkey. He didn't belong here was all I kept thinking.

The babies across from him were 2 pounds each, he weighed more than both of the combined! The nurses told us they were going to go find some bigger diapers for him. It hit me then, I missed changing my son's first diaper. We weren't allowed to hold him that evening but they promised that the next morning we could and I could try to breastfeed.

They told us when the doctors would make their rounds and that we would be able to ask questions if we were present then. The remainder of the evening is a blur. I know when we went back to our room to get some sleep one of the nurses called to let us know his oxygen level had increased and that they would be moving the IV to his belly button.

Pure exhaustion took over and we were able to get some sleep. We made sure we were present for rounds, it was then that we learned they were going to test my placenta thinking that because I had a fever when I delivered that I possibly had an infection I passed along to Jaxon. They were going to start him on some antibiotics and continue monitoring his breathing. He was not a fan of the tubes and wires, he tried ripping everything off. He was successful at getting the oxygen off his face a few times.

As if breastfeeding for the first time isn't stressful enough, doing it with a million chords and nurses watching you made it even worse. I was drenched in sweat, I was so incredibly nervous. We were not successful our first couple of tries. I felt like a complete failure.

My mother in law and sister in law came to see us later that day. We were able to give them an update and my mother in law held Jaxon. It didn't seem like it would be as special as it is now, but Jaxon opened his eyes, really opened them for the first time while she held him (and then peed out his diaper onto her). My mother in law passed away a month later and there is comfort knowing one of the very first things he ever saw was her beautiful face holding him.

We made many trips back and forth from the NICU to our room. We were present every morning for rounds. We were there every two hours to try to get him to latch, and if he wouldn't then bottle feed before going back to our room so I could pump. Day 3 was when we learned he probably had pneumonia and they were going to do seven days worth of antibiotics before discharge.

This was when my world came crashing down. I was discharged on day 3, we were going to go home without him. This wasn't right. This isn't how this was supposed to go. I'll never forget that feeling of leaving the hospital without him. We had a thirty minute drive home and I immediately called to see how he was when we got home. Over the course of the next four days we spent as much time as we possibly could with him. Nothing prepares you to be a NICU parent. It's like nothing else. When we would go for his evening feedings they were also doing their rounds and we weren't able to hold him right away. There was an evening when we got there and he was crying, I just wanted to be able to hold him and comfort him but I couldn't.

My husband was my rock during all of this, he kept his brave face on and never let me know if he was scared. I have no idea how he did it but I am forever thankful. We missed out on many things having to spend time in the NICU but I also feel that we gained many things.

We might not have changed his first diaper, or given his first bath, all our pictures might have been from our phones in plastic bags and our family might not have been able to meet him right away. But my husband and I learned how to navigate something many people will never have to experience, we leaned on each other, we comforted and encouraged each other.

We watched our little guy fight and show us how strong he is. That week was hard, and something I would never want anyone to have to experience. But here we are almost two years later and I look back positively on that week. Our story might not be your typical NICU story but we are NICU survivors.

-NICU Mama Lena