Self-Care in the NICU

"It’s safe to say that most of us don’t plan on a NICU stay. Sometimes as pregnancy progresses we learn that it could be a possibility and other times the first time we realize that the NICU even exists is when we’re being admitted to the hospital.

At 32 weeks 5 days my husband rushed me to the ER after I couldn’t shake what I thought was the flu. I’ll never forget being curled up in pain lying on my side hearing our doctor telling my husband that she thought I had something called “HELLP Syndrome” and that the only way for me to get better was to deliver our baby. Within ten minutes I was given a steroid shot to help with our baby’s premature lungs, hooked up to a magnesium drip and wheeled out to the ambulance that would transport us to a hospital that could not only take care of me but that could also take care of our premature baby. Up until this point we’d experienced a healthy “textbook” pregnancy and with this being our first baby, we had nothing to compare it to. We went from the excitement of attending our baby shower later that weekend to the realization that I was really sick and that we were having our baby seven weeks early.

Nothing prepares you for the unexpected. Nothing prepares you for the complications. Nothing prepares you for the fear that everything might not be okay. I can remember holding it all together and trying to be as brave as I could until the neonatologist walked in and sat on the edge of my hospital bed. It was at that moment I broke down into tears in fear of the unknown and that upon delivery our baby would go straight to the NICU. But I knew I had to be brave and do everything I could to stay calm to deliver our baby.

The moment I was wheeled into the NICU to meet our warrior, Kellan James, I began fighting for him. I remember being told to stay seated in my wheelchair but I told everyone I was confident I could stand at Kellan’s isolette and reach my hand inside to hold his tiny fingers for the first time. When you’re caring for your baby in the NICU it’s easy to forget or block out all that you experienced either being the patient or support person. I spent the next 7 days as a patient myself while Kellan was in the NICU. I didn’t want to lay in bed on the maternity floor while other moms were bonding with their babies, I wanted to be in the NICU bonding with my baby. And this is where the guilt began. I struggled to take care of myself but I knew I had to if I was going to be strong enough to take care of him.

There were small things during my stay and during our 30 day NICU stay that I did to love and care for myself through the hardest days and the ups and downs that come with having a baby who requires time in the NICU. I can remember after my 5:00 am pump wanting to rush down to the NICU, heck I didn’t even want to brush my teeth, I just wanted to be with Kellan. My husband encouraged me to take a few minutes each morning to find a sense of normalcy before we started our day in the NICU. Taking a shower and getting ready for the day followed by a coffee date in the hospital cafeteria was how we started our mornings. It gave me a little time to feel put together and it gave the two of us a little time together before we spent the next 12 hours at Kellan’s bedside. For my husband that also meant he went home each night and slept in our bed and took care of our dog. It’s hard to shake the guilt when your baby is in the NICU. No matter what you choose to do, you always feel torn. Despite how hard it feels in the moment, you’re deserving of doing those little things to focus on taking care of yourself.

While in the NICU the social worker came and checked in with me daily. Just as I had done in the very beginning when being admitted, I found myself continuing to tell her day after day that I was okay! Honestly, the only focus I had was on getting Kellan home. My days were consumed by practicing latching, nursing and measuring how much milk Kellan would transfer through pre and post feed weigh-ins. When I wasn’t working on feedings I was pumping every three hours, washing pump parts, taking milk to the NICU and trying to get in some food and a little sleep. The day to day consumed me and I blocked out our traumatic birth. I silenced all of my anxious thoughts and kept telling myself that they must be normal.

I thought after we were discharged I would be okay. I thought that the anxious feelings would subside. I thought that since my blood pressure was stabilizing and that the post birth effects from HELLP Syndrome were getting better, I’d feel like myself again. This is where self love both during the NICU and post NICU is so important. This isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong. No matter the narrative you tell yourself from blame to guilt, you deserve to love yourself throughout this unexpected journey and after discharge.

I found Project NICU right before we were discharged. Connecting with other moms who shared the same experiences and feelings that I did was validating. It helped me to feel normal despite anything about our experience actually being normal. Participating in support groups with other preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome survivors made me realize I wasn’t alone and that they shared the same feelings and thoughts that I did. Connecting with others who had the same experience I had allowed me to be vulnerable and truly love myself and grow through the healing that began to take place after the NICU.

Whether you’re in the thick of a current NICU stay or your NICU experience was years ago, it’s never too late for self love to occur and for you to take small steps towards growing and healing through this experience." NICU Mama - Kaylee