The Courage & Bravery It Takes To Be a NICU Mom

“My pregnancy started off with a stress fracture of my right hip, which unfortunately got worse and required surgery. After discussions with my OB and orthopedic surgeon, we decided it was safest for the baby to wait until 13 weeks to have surgery. Morning sickness on crutches was not easy, but I knew it was best. After surgery in December, I went into extensive physical therapy to re-learn how to walk. My husband and I thought the worst was over but little did we know, our story of bravery was just beginning.

At 27 weeks I woke up with heavy bleeding so my husband and I rushed to the hospital. When we got there, the bleeding continued and I went straight to the OR. It was so emergent that my husband was unable to be there with me. I had an amazing resident who held my hand, telling me my daughter Gemma’s heart rate the entire time. I had lost 2/3 of my blood volume so I was admitted to the high risk floor. 24 hours later, the bleeding started again. It was in the middle of the night so I was rushed back down to L&D. Thankfully we had more time and we waited for the morning team to arrive. My OB told us there is a high chance they may have to deliver Gemma but she will do everything to keep her inside. I’ll never forget when the second OB came into the OR and said “it’s not every day you get two attendings!” I’m a pediatric ICU nurse so I knew this wasn’t good. Thankfully they controlled the bleeding and Gemma stayed inside. I spent 8 days inpatient and was discharged home with strict instructions to call 911 if I started bleeding again.

3 days home and I felt the bleeding again. I screamed to my husband to call 911, except this time it was clear. We drove back to the hospital and it was confirmed I had PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes). I was admitted back to the high risk floor and was told our goal was to get Gemma to 34 weeks. I was 29 weeks pregnant and immediately started to cry thinking I would be in this room for 5 more weeks. This was during covid and since I was considered “in labor” I was allowed to have a second visitor. Being able to have my mom and husband with me made a huge difference from our last stay. At 29 weeks and 5 days I spiked an extremely high fever and it was decided we were both safer with Gemma on the outside world. She was born weighing 2 lbs 15 ounces and was immediately taken to the NICU. I work in the same hospital she was at so I knew she was in the best hands. I remember walking into her room for the first time, I was terrified and had never seen a baby so small.
I finally got to hold Gemma after 4 days, but it was only for about 20 minutes since she couldn’t regulate her temperature yet. I was discharged home 7 days after she was born and leaving the hospital without her ripped my heart out. Gemma spent 46 long days in the NICU learning to feed and grow.

During this time, I felt anything but brave. As I write my story, I realize how much courage and bravery it takes to be a NICU mom. Two weeks after Gemma was born, I made the brave call to my OB to let her know I was feeling anxious and could not stop crying. I was brave when I met with my therapist for the first time, opening up about my birth trauma. I was brave every single morning I got into my car and drove to the NICU. I was brave when I left the hospital without my daughter and attached myself to a breast pump every 3 hours. This is not a journey I ever imagined but it has made me the mom I am today. Thank you Project NICU for always reminding me how brave I was and continue to be.” NICU mama, Holly W.