Tw-Intuition

“It’s true what they say about a mother’s intuition. I remember telling my husband I thought I was pregnant with twins, and him wondering what sort of superpowers I had once we saw two little bundles on ultrasound. For whatever reason, I knew I was meant to have twins and my body knew exactly what to do to support them. I had a very easy pregnancy up until 32 weeks when I was diagnosed with preeclampsia.

We would try our best to take every precaution necessary to keep these babies inside of me as long as possible. But my body was giving out. I had developed severe characteristics and doctors did not want to risk my health any longer. So we delivered the twins via emergency c-section at 34 weeks. We would name them Roman and Nico. What you’ve envisioned for your birth is now overtaken with vomiting while open on the table and you getting a drive-by of your babies on the way to the NICU. I remember being so angry when people would text/call saying how exciting it was that the twins were arriving early. This was not exciting; something was wrong. People constantly asking how long they’d be in the NICU and I hadn’t even seen my babies yet. I was furious with my family members for continuing to share the news of their arrival because it opened up the door for more questions and more reminders of what actually happened.

I was put on magnesium after the c-section and, therefore, was bedridden for 24hrs unable to even see my babies. I had to watch them on camera and through pictures my husband took while visiting them until I was taken off magnesium. The very moment I was taken off magnesium, I asked to be wheeled to the NICU to see my babies. But still, I was not permitted to hold them. It would be 48hrs until I could hold my babies. Both on oxygen support, IVs, feeding tubes, temperature regulation, and receiving phototherapy for elevated bilirubin. I felt like I had to ask permission to hold my babies. I was AFRAID to hold my own babies.

I was hospitalized for 5 days so I was comforted knowing the babies were right downstairs, and I could visit them anytime I wanted. But the day before I was discharged, I could not contain myself knowing I would be leaving to go home with empty car seats. We’d go home to empty bassinets in our room. Everything just felt so… empty. I cried the entire way home as soon as we pulled out of the hospital parking lot. I isolated myself because it felt like everyone around me was so happy and here I was: leaving my babies at the hospital.

Getting up to pump in the middle of the night just to apply stickers with “Baby A” and “Baby B” to my breast milk bottles/bags and hand it over at the NICU desk each day felt so transactional. We would visit the twins, eat lunch and pump in the parking lot, visit them again… then night after night, we’d go home with the empty car seats to the empty bassinets.

I had mixed feelings about the monitors. On one hand, it was comforting to know for sure that they were okay. On the other, the smallest things would set them off and make your heart drop into your stomach. How could I feel confident that they were okay without monitors? Would my intuition be enough? My anxiety was at an all-time high, like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I was continuing to isolate myself because I didn’t want anyone to see the terrible place I was in. I lashed out at family members for continuing to ask for updates every day. Unless you’ve gone through it, you don’t know that some days there are no updates, and other days there are only negative updates. The tightness in my chest was unbearable when I checked the NICU cameras one day only to see the twins were back on phototherapy. We had JUST been there. What happened? What was wrong? Would this delay their discharge? I had to trust that they were in the best hands possible, but that never stopped the anxiety from taking over.

I remember feeling so much fear not knowing how long they would be there. Would my maternity leave be long enough? Would they need extra support when they came home? Would I be able to keep them ALIVE? After 9 days, the twins were discharged. Only two short weeks later, Nico had a brief, resolved, unexplained event (BRUE) where he stopped breathing. My worst fear was right in front of me. He was hospitalized, and again, we’d jump at any sound of the alarms on his monitor - just like we were back in the NICU.

Flash forward to today, and we have two healthy babies. They are the most joyful creatures on this earth, and we could not be more thankful for everything we learned while in the NICU. Without the NICU, we would not have received one-on-one instruction from nurses on how to best care for our babies. I’ll never forget the nurses checking in on me to make sure I was healing and resting. They’d celebrate any breast milk I was able to produce. And we received beads for every milestone the twins had while in the NICU. The beads will always be a way to remember the things we’ve all overcome. We try to frame their prematurity as “extra time” we get to spend with them. But that doesn’t take away the trauma. And I’ll still have to grieve the loss of the birthing experience I’d hoped to have.” NICU Mama Heather