The World Kept Turning...

 The moment you're told that your child will be going to the NICU, there is a brief pause in time. During that pause you're flooded with an array of emotions that you are unable to handle and process. Eventually reality hits. That shocking reality may not set in for hours, days or even weeks. When it does, you realize that your life is forever changed and no matter what the world keeps turning.

Reality hit me when I was able to touch our daughter for the first time at 5 days old. Prior to that, I was looking at her through the walls of her plastic castle ~ her new home for the next few months. She was hooked up to tubes and wires galore, tucked in so tight I could barely even see her body. In the very beginning she was covered by a plastic bubble to keep her warm. I can't begin to tell you how hard that was to not fully be able to see my tiny newborn baby that was hidden under all the equipment. Every mother deserves the right to touch and hold their newborn baby, an experience that I did not get to have. I was so sick myself, which may have been another reason reality didn't hit me right away. I was battling being septic for the third time, my body was tired and broke down at that point. I fought hard for her to keep her from entering the outside world, but we couldn't endure another moment of the sickness that overcame my body. Yes, there were times I felt as if I failed her because I couldn't make it to 23 weeks, but in reality I didn't fail anyone ~ I was a strong mommy who did her best!

Day 5, the nurse asked my husband and I if we wanted to touch our precious miracle. As we reached our hands inside of her plastic castle through the holes in the walls, we were greeted by the most beautiful feeling in the world. The feeling of the softest, yet most fragile skin a person can lay their hands on. I placed my finger in my daughter's hand and she immediately grabbed my finger. To me, she was telling me that everything was going to be okay, to hold on tight and not give up. That moment changed my life forever and gave me a sense of pure peace that our daughter was going to defy all odds against her~ that is exactly what she did!

The next few months were nothing short of exhausting and overwhelming. From working through some of the toughest battles to celebrating the greatest victories. Even the smallest victories were celebrated because they only brought us closer to coming home. Our world inside the NICU was surrounded by daily rounds with her care teams, medication changes, tubes and wires being removed and replaced, blood work, chest x-rays, skin/weight checks and the dreadful alarms that you would literally hear in your sleep. Eventually all this would slowly diminish and life outide the NICU was getting closer to becoming reality.

My husband went back to work a few weeks after she was born and my new "job" was to spend as much time as possible with our daughter. I was her mommy and she needed me, just as much as I needed her. I would spend the night in the sleep rooms right down the hall from her and make sure I was present for every round with her care team. I didn't want to miss anything. The days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I was at her side most of the time, especially during hands on care and when I could hold her whenever I wanted to. I never wanted to let her go. Once she became stable I started to take time for myself and Fridays became mommy days and I would stay home, hang out with friends and family and most importantly spend time with my husband. He was my rock throughout it all and this journey only made us stronger and closer than before. He held down the home life and I held down the NICU life ~ because once again the world kept turning and life needed to be handled.

After a long 130 days, we brought home our 22 week baby girl who went from a very tiny 12.8 oz to a chunky 6 pounds. The life outside the NICU with our daughter in our arms was finally a reality and I couldn't be more proud of her! Even though the world kept on turning and there was no such thing as a pause button, my world became complete when we settled into our new life.

-Micro Preemie Mama Tonia