30 Days of Brave | Bravery through Covid

“My child was born prematurely after a life-threatening pregnancy complication and emergency c-section at the beginning of Covid lockdown.

The first time I visited him alone in the NICU, over 36 hours after the birth, I was inspired to sing him a song that I made up on the spot. It went like this:

“You don’t have to worry
about a thing.
You don’t have to worry
cuz I’m right here.
You don’t have to worry
about the world.
You don’t have to worry
how much you’re loved.
Just sit with me,
and soon you’ll see
You don’t have to worry
cuz I’m right here.”

I sang this song often to him, even after coming home, and sometimes he asks me to sing it even now at bedtime, 4 years later.

Singing this has been healing for me, too. When I sing, I’m in touch with the grief, anger, and terror. Singing through this pain in a soothing voice has given me the bravery to keep showing up, not only for my son but also for myself.

A few other things that remind me of bravery in the NICU:

We hadn’t chosen a name yet, because we thought we had more time before baby came. In the hospital, we gave him the middle name Riley, which means ‘courage’. As soon as I learned that, I knew it had to be included.

So many moments of my own bravery, including advocating for myself to be admitted for testing during the first wave of Covid. It saved my life. I had to keep advocating for myself, and learned my own strength.

Facing a poster in the recovery room about the benefits of skin-to-skin when I still hadn’t even touched him was a cruel reminder of the separation.

Walking out of the hospital on discharge day without my son felt like it was ripping my heart out of my chest.

Wandering around his nursery in an empty home to remind myself it wasn’t just a dream.

Failing the car seat test the first try and delaying his discharge while family messaged me asking if he was home yet.

But the biggest piece of bravery of all was this: I was alone for most of it. Because of Covid. 💔” NICU Mama, El