#30daysofbrave- Emily

"It was my first pregnancy, and things had been going perfectly. At 35 weeks and 5 days I woke up to find my water had broken. My husband had just left earlier that morning for what was supposed to be his last work trip before our baby arrived,
so I frantically drove myself to the hospital. My labor was fine and my husband arrived back in town in plenty of time, but I remember a nurse telling me that at 35 weeks our baby had about a 50% chance of needing to go to the NICU. I had no idea what that meant, but I'd soon find out. Ava was born about 11 hours after I was admitted, and pretty much went straight to the NICU. I was in such shock about what had transpired over the last day that it didn't hit me how serious things were until I was wheeled into the NICU to visit her for the first time. She was a tiny 4lbs 15oz, and had a CPAP and every wire under the sun hooked up to her. I'll never forget how quickly she was breathing...she looked like a small animal. We couldn't hold her, and I went back to my room and pretty much cried all night long.

The ensuing 14 days were excruciating. Although we were lucky to essentially just have a "feeder and a grower," I found myself crying every day out of exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, and fear. I also grieved the loss of those last few weeks of pregnancy and how things were "supposed to be." I hated walking past the isolates of the full-term babies in the nursery to check into the NICU. To this day, the smell of the hand soap makes me sick to my stomach.

Thankfully, we brought our tiny but healthy girl home, and she has absolutely thrived. Today she is a smart, funny, and adorable 3 year old. Although it was probably the hardest thing I've ever been through, I've learned to accept and even embrace her start in life as "her story" and one day I'm sure we'll tell her about how she just couldn't wait to meet mommy and daddy."

Thank you so much for sharing your bravery with our community, Emily!

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