#30DaysofBrave - Katie

"Our first family photo… I guess the make-up, hair, and wardrobe crew got lost at 2am on the way to the NICU? I like to think they were all in my Mother Baby room waiting for me…but guess I’ll never know.

I was so disappointed and embarrassed by this photo for so long. THIS was our ‘first family photo’…I’m certainly not all done up wearing my cute nursing robe like every other friend I know on social media. This is what we got – messy hair (bless Josh’s heart – he can do a lot of things, but ponytails aren’t one of them), no make-up, and a hospital gown. But with each passing day, month, and year, I have come to see what this photo really represents. A BRAVE mother and father who fought hard – and I mean really hard – for their son. Through our tireless multi-year IVF journey…through fighting with an OBGYN who we thought we could trust to get me delivered on time only to have her not listen to us…through meeting the doctor who would deliver us at a hospital we had never been to before just hours before Jack came…through a HELLP and severe pre-eclampsia diagnosis at 40 weeks 1 day that almost took my life and Jack’s life….through times during my 36 hour delivery when I asked Josh why we were even in the hospital because I became so magnesium sulfate toxic that I had no clue what was even going on…through three unsuccessful vacuum attempts to get Jack delivered…through being told that an emergency c-section was too dangerous for me and Jack….through watching Jack’s limp and lifeless body intubated in our room while we could do nothing but watch and think of what a cruel joke God was playing on us…through yelling at the nurse to tell us what was going on….through having to wait 6 hours to see Jack in the NICU for the first time…through bleeding out on the floor of the NICU and feeling absolutely humiliated…through a day of bedrest where I was unable to see my first born child…through 11 days in the NICU feeling guilty if I took time to heal myself…

I look back at that photo now and realize it clearly shows how brave we were that night. No one plans on the NICU, no one plans to have to think about losing their wife and son in delivery, no one realizes how hard it is to leave the hospital without your baby…until you must…and for us…we fought like hell."