Suffering Doesn't Do It Justice

"Suffering doesn’t do it justice.

I had a pregnancy condition called cholestasis… basically your skin itches and burns from liver toxins filling your bloodstream from the inside and nothing helps…

We were prepared early on for a somewhat premature birth and likely difficult delivery and subsequent NICU hospitalization. But when it happens there’s actually nothing that can prepare you for it… Luke Hudson was born surreptitiously on a Wednesday at 32 weeks… all 5.5 pounds of him… the room was filled with NICU MDs and nurses, and a tiny incubator … they laid him on my chest for about 30 seconds, the L/D nurse took a photo with the nursing unit camera because we hadn’t thought to bring one… then they carted him off… my husband and I were left without our new baby boy.. our dream, our whole heart’s desire.

We didn’t know what was happening to him. Was he crying, he NEEDED me right? I was going to breastfeed… what about that? There were so many questions and the staff was so kind in answering what they could and allowing us to see him as soon as we could. It was hours later when we got to see him. No holding though. We could only reach through the opening and grasp his tiny hand that wrapped around our finger. The pain was intense. The longing for him.

We were discharged from the hospital on Friday. He was not. That was the most painful walk of my life… leaving my son in that place. I knew he was safe, but he NEEDED ME, right? Then the breast pump arrived. Not the same as breast feeding- I missed out on that bond of middle of the night feedings and the soft murmur of his little voice … his face nuzzled up against me … the pump was my baby.

I’m so blessed that I was able to pump and feed him… but I longed for that bond. He never learned how to latch on even after we got home.

The pain of visiting him daily and having to leave daily… not experiencing some of the firsts right after birth caused me so much pain. I was so angry that the nurses got to hold him anytime they wanted and they got to spend so much time with him. They were so lovely though. Kind and caring … his NICU stay was 3 weeks… with feeding tubes and TPN, wires and tubes everywhere, IVs in his little scalp, blood sugar checks on his heels… they were bruised, he was jaundiced … so the bili lights 😎… his lungs were mostly developed, due to the steroids I had gotten during my pregnancy, so no ventilator, thank God.

I say all this to say the NICU is a Godsend of a place. A beautiful home away from home, of care and bonding, knowledge and plans… LOTS OF PLANS… and a place i wish no one had to experience. Walking past the vast number of incubators holding tiny humans, the pain in parents eyes of theirs barely holding on… the bold nurses holding, feeding, bathing, medicating, caring for something that doesn’t even belong to them … with the care like it’s their own … his bruised heels … his IV sites faded … his skin transitioned from orange to a beautiful pale white.

He’s perfect, was and IS…. 14 yrs old now, 6’ tall, 150 pounds… strong and smart. He doesn’t remember any of the hospital stay…
I do …
I remember….
Fondly.

Much love and respect to all NICU workers, parents and children who’ve experienced it. It’s a special place!" -NICU Mom, Beth