Dianna's Journey

During my pregnancy I never though about the NICU. The only thing I thought I knew about the NICU was it was for babies that were born premature.

Little did I know...
My pregnancy was fairly normal; I do have high blood pressure but it was under control until I hit my 3rd trimester. It was just very high, and my medications were not working. One evening I checked my blood pressure and it was 184/113. My monitor labeled it as “hypertension crisis” It was off to the emergency room. While there I felt fine; I’m thinking I’ll be going home soon, and then a reading of 200/100. I was told I was being admitted and induced. 48 hours later I wasn’t dilating so the doctor came in to talk to me about a c-section. I was all for it because my birth plan was to walk out with my baby.

An hour later I’m laying on the delivery/operating table, holding my husband’s hand and then I hear the sweetest sound, my baby’s first cry. Julian was here at 37 weeks 5 days, 5lbs 8oz. I was so happy! The nurses take him to clean him up. I’m waiting to see him but the respiratory therapist thought he may have fluid in his lungs so he was taken to the NICU before I even got to see his sweet little face.

While my husband went with Julian, I was placed under observation for an hour. I was under so many drugs I couldn’t keep my head up. I was also so tired from the past 2 days of trying to induce labor.

After the hour was up I finally got to hold my Julian. I was absolutely in love. He was so tiny but perfect. It’s hard to remember most of those few hours because I was so exhausted. A few hours later as the nurse was checking Julian; she told us that his body temp was low, so my husband did skin on skin to see if his temp would go up. I wanted to hold him so bad but I couldn’t stay awake. About an hour later the nurse came to check on Julian, and his body temp wasn’t going up. I heard them say something about the NICU, and I remember foolishly thinking he would come back as he had after he was just born. I kissed him good bye and he was gone.

I few hours later after the drugs wore off I realized how serious this was. Julian also had a hard time eating so he had a feeding tube. I remember feeling to scared and sad because I couldn’t be with my baby. I didn’t see him for 2 days because I was on a magnesium IV to help with my blood pressure which causes dizziness when standing, so I was stuck in bed. When I finally got to see him I felt so bad. He had the feeding tube in his nose and all the monitor wires. I was afraid to hold him because I didn’t want to mess up any of the monitors. I remember feeling that this was my fault. Maybe if I had taken better care of myself my blood pressure wouldn’t have been so high. I remember thinking that my baby could die, and it would be my fault.

The doctors were running all these test but they couldn’t figure out why he wasn't able to keep his body temp up. I also discovered he was given expired formula the morning he was born. I happen to check the date and it was 2 months past the expiration date. I felt like I was in a nightmare, and I just wanted to wake up.

One night, not being able to sleep, I was just crying and holding a blanket he had been swaddled it. It was an awful feeling. I just didn’t think having a baby would be like this. I kept thinking what did I do wrong?
When I was discharged after 5 days. I was so heartbroken that he wasn’t coming home with us. I just cried and while I was happy to be home, I felt empty. My husband and I cried that first night we were home.

The next day we got the call to pick him up. My heart was filled with joy! I couldn’t wait to bring him home. After watching some videos and getting information we were on our way home! Our family was whole, and I could begin healing.

Having my son in the NICU as a full term baby was very eye opening. He was only there for 6 days but it was traumatizing. I’ll be honest the whole birth experience was traumatizing for me. It was hard for me to have faith but I knew in my heart I would be bringing him home.

I also felt like I had no right to call myself a NICU mom because he was only there for 6 days but hearing other NICU stories makes what I went through and felt valid, and I know I’m not alone. I am healing and finding peace one day at a time.

Julian is now thriving! I swear he’s like 20lbs already! He’s so beautiful and full of life! He is the sweet reminder that life is good and to have faith. I always have him near me now, and I also hold him as much as I can, and I will never take that for granted.