My Friend Just Gave Birth to a NICU Baby, What Do I Do?
After a seemingly normal first few months of pregnancy, my husband and I were confronted with shock and fear when at 29 weeks pregnant, I went into labor. This was not our plan. To be honest, we hadn’t even reached the stage in my pregnancy when we might have made a plan. Two hours later, after an emergency C-section, we welcomed our three-and-a-half-pound son into the world with a kiss to the forehead before he was rushed to the NICU. We spent the next 57 days putting one foot in front of the other, visiting our son in the NICU twice a day, trying to hold it together and make sense of the greatest curveball life has ever thrown at us.
It has been 7 years since our son was born and, thankfully, he is now a healthy, rambunctious first-grader. However, memories of our time in the NICU, with its bright lights and beeping monitors, will last forever. With that in mind, I offer my top three tips for people whose loved ones, friends, colleagues, or neighbors recently welcomed a preemie into the world.
1. Don’t be Afraid to Show Your Support – The birth of a premature baby can be a confusing time for parents, families and friends, with emotional ups and downs and a high level of uncertainty. Non-family members and others not in the closest of social circles may feel the best thing to do is give the new parents privacy as they navigate this new medical journey. The reality is that is that preemie parents need the support of their network of friends, families and social groups more than ever. Support can be demonstrated through something as simple as periodic text messages, cards and phone calls, to meals, gifts and other forms of TLC. Don’t be afraid to extend yourself similar to how you would have if the baby had been born at full term.
2. Understand Absences of Information – Try not to be hurt or offended if the parents of a preemie do not respond right away to your gesture of support. Whether due to physical or emotional fatigue, a rapidly changing medical status, or other reasons, it can be challenging for preemie parents to convey their gratitude and provide health updates from the NICU. Know that while you might not have heard back from preemie parents, they very much appreciate all that you are doing. Truly.
3. Share in the Beautiful Moments – The NICU is an undeniably scary place for many families. That said, there are beautiful moments that occur in NICUs every hour of every day. Assuming appropriate health precautions are in place, ask if you can accompany a parent to visit their baby in the NICU. My husband and I were so touched when friends made the effort to accompany us on visits to see our son. While these visits were never long, it allowed us to share the joy of the birth of our beautiful boy, alongside our concerns. If an in-person visit is not feasible, gently ask the parents to share pictures of their little bundle from time to time to share in their pride.
It can be challenging for friends and family to know how to act during unexpected life events and serious medical situations. The arrival of a preemie can bring all these elements together, making it a difficult road to navigate for those wanting to show support. I hope you find these tips helpful and encourage you not to hold back your support for a preemie family. Follow your heart. Everyone will be better for it.
Liz Coyle is the mother of a 29-week preemie and the Founder of Quiltlove (www.givequiltlove.com). Quiltlove makes custom quilts designed to be given by support networks to people facing challenging medical situations, among other occasions.