Four and two years later, we still don't know why.

Four and two years later, we still don't know what caused our children to be born premature.

Our first born, Luke, was born at 34 weeks .A rainbow baby we prayed so long and tried so hard for.

Being a first time mom is scary, but being a first time mom and having a premature baby is something I never expected. Luke spent 6 days in the NICU and I was an emotional wreck, but we made it.

We got pregnant one month after Lukes first birthday. It wasn't planned but we were excited to add another bundle to the family! Having a NICU baby already meant I was prepared for whatever could be thrown our way, right? Wrong. We announced our pregnancy at 14 weeks and were greeted with so many congratulations and happy wishes! One week later we were in the hospital with what we thought was another miscarriage. Long story short, we found out the sex of our baby #2 that day. Another boy! We decided to give him a name in case anything was to happen. After 13 hours in the emergency room we were told I had a hematoma that would usually resolve itself and things would be fine. 2 weeks later at my follow up appointment things "looked textbook." The hematoma was gone and the baby was perfectly fine! We were so happy and thankful for everything to be fine once again.

Fast forward to 27 weeks pregnant. I started to have contractions around 11 pm. Figuring they were Braxton Hicks I brushed it off. 12 hours later we were on the way to the hospital. After the doctor told me not to come in, but that's another story. I was 70% effaced and dilated to a 4! Doctors and nurses were coming in and out of the room telling us things we could barely understand, not that we were calm enough to. Over the span of a week doctors and nurses tried to stop my labor and were successful only for it to start again a few hours later.

28 weeks to the day the doctor came in to check me before she started a night of c-sections. I was dilated to a 10 and completely effaced. She said "lets do an ultrasound, I want to check something." 30 minutes later I was in the OR ready for an emergency c-section. Levi was footling breach and ready to enter the world. When he was born he was placed into a plastic bag made to keep him warm and safe as his skin wasn't as thick as it should be. We didn't get to hold our baby right after he was born. We didn't get to see our baby right after he was born. We didn't get to hear our baby cry right after he was born. My c-section was finished and we went to my room. About 20 minutes later a NICU nurse came in to bring measurements and pictures of our baby so we could see him. Seeing your baby for the first time via picture is absolutely heart-breaking. Our baby was here and we couldn't hold him. We couldn't comfort him. I couldn't keep him safe inside anymore.

4 hours later we were told we could visit our son as long as I was comfortable enough to get there. Oh I got there. It may have taken lots of help and quite a few minutes, but I got there. We got to see our baby! He was hooked up to a million machines. A c-pap machine on his face. A feeding tube in his nose. An IV in his belly button. In an incubator. It was awful to see. I can't even put into words the emotions we felt.
I didn't get to hold my sweet miracle until he was a week old. My husband didn't get to hold him until he was 10 days old. When we finally got to hold him we were only allowed 30 minutes a day.

A month later and we are still in the NICU. Levi was making progress but we still weren't close to going home. He was still on the C-pap machine. He still had the feeding tube. He had to have an ultrasound on his brain to check for holes due to not getting oxygen as soon as he was born. Progress was being made, just not as fast as we had hoped. We were starting to feel like we would never be able to go home. My boys would never be able to meet each other. My son would never be held by anyone other than his dad and I. Doctors kept telling us he just needs more time but he will get there. It seemed impossible at the time.
2 months in the NICU and Levi was off the c-pap machine! He was still struggling with the bottle and gaining weight but we were so much closer to going home! 2 weeks later and only 2 weeks away from his due date, the day we had been told he would be home by for 3 months. We were getting so excited, this day felt like it would never come! He was still struggling to gain weight and I finally just asked, "What can we do to get him home? What needs to be done to get him home?"

The doctors came up with the idea to let us room in pediatrics with him for the weekend, letting him nurse as much as he wanted, taking a bottle with breastmilk and special formula to help him gain weight and being weighed every night to make sure he was gaining. He gained weight every night! He kept the milk and formula down each time! He was happy. We were happy and ready to be home as a family. Sunday morning the doctor came in, she was crying. She said "I'm sorry for being emotional, but I just love seeing parents be advocates for their children and knowing what needs to be done.You guys will be discharged today." Followed by the standard, "Call if anything changes" "Monitor him closely" "Follow all of these rules." But we were going home! Finally. 80 long days in the NICU and we were able to take our baby home!

I know our story is long, I'm a little detailed. But it felt good to get it out there. Hopefully to give someone some hope when they go through this long and scary process of getting their miracle home.

I went through so many emotions and always felt like I needed to be strong for my boys and my husband, they needed me. And in a way I did need to be strong, but I realize now that I would have been okay had I asked for some help to get me through. I didn't realize at the time how much it impacted me, but looking back now I see it. I use "we" and "our" because I think it's important for us to not only think about ourselves and how this impacts us, but for our significant others too. They are going through this as well and it's affecting them too. We are fine and we had such a good outcome with our sweet boy, but it was by no means an easy thing to go through and overcome. For us but especially for our little warriors.
Praying for all of your sweet little families as they go through this and for everyday after!