Bravery is Found in the Waiting

“At 32 weeks, my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor was unhappy with what my placenta was looking like. I’d already been bleeding my whole pregnancy and had been on modified bed rest for 6 weeks. After a follow up with a specialist 3 hours from my home- it was decided that I *maybe* had placenta accreta; where your placenta grows into your uterus. Because this is an extremely high risk situation, I had to give birth 240 miles from my house at 36 weeks. I had a c section and it was instantly determined that my placenta was not releasing. I never got to see my baby. I woke up ten hours later after an intense hysterectomy surgery and losing over two liters of blood to find out that Deacon was unable to eat, breathe or regulate his body temperature by himself. Having already had a baby in the NICU previously, this was not something I wanted to hear. My husband and I have three older kids that had been dying to meet their baby brother and because of visitation regulations, were unable to- except via FaceTime. After I was released from the hospital, a week after delivery, it was determined that Deacon was not ready to come home. I had to make the tough decision to go home with my kids and husband, who also needed me, or to stay where my new baby was. I made the excruciatingly tough decision to go home and focus on my recovery from my intense surgery and my other babies and leave Deacon in the ever capable hands of the NICU nurses and doctors. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done: leaving my new baby 240 miles away. I became the most annoying NICU mom- calling every shift change and doctor rotation to get all my updates and then trekked back to the hospital every weekend. Deacon ended up being in the NICU for just 21 days- but it felt like an eternity! I knew, logically, that the best place for him was with the doctors and nurses, but each time I had to leave him for the week, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I could help him get better faster! My favorite part of going to the NICU, outside of snuggling my baby, became the friends I made with the other moms and dads who were going through a similar thing as me. I would see people walking through the hospital with their ‘NICU Parent’ badge on and instantly want to hug and fist bump them in a moment of solidarity! Bravery is found in the waiting and the small accomplishments and the unknowns of a baby born not the way you might have anticipated. It is being willing to roll with the punches and embracing a life that looks different than you planned on. We got one week with Deacon at home and then made the trek back up north to start the casting process for his club foot he was born with. These babies are resilient and have strength beyond what we can comprehend!” NICU mama, Kendra