The aching question in my head was why? Why had this happened? It had to be something my wife or I had failed at, certainly. Had we let her have too much screen time?  Had we not interacted with her enough after those long days in the office when we had been worn down and just wanted to Netflix and chill? Had we not read enough books? What was it that we had done wrong? What had we done that was not enough? 

I knew it had to be us, because my daughter had done everything we could’ve asked of her.

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It is free to be kind to others. Smile and say hi to someone. Listen to someone. Do other random acts to pay it forward. These random acts can outweigh the negativity going on in our world. These acts can help someone who is lost or broken without you knowing because it was just the right thing to do. Who knows, if enough kindness happens, maybe the scary stuff will be muted or go away altogether. Lets give these amazing fighters a positive and kind world to grow up in. 

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I honestly feel this has been the fastest year of my life, but why should it have

gone slow? My pregnancy was fast forwarded to the end three months early, so why

should the rest of the first year of my daughter’s life have been any different? Some

say the first birthday party is meant for the parents because they have kept their

child alive for their first year of life, but if you have a preemie, that statement

couldn’t be further from the truth.

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These memories spark a proud mama bear in me; proud of her for how far she’s come, proud of our family for what we have gotten through, together.  Some people might be scared to have a random picture pop up of their baby when she was only 1 lb 5 oz, three chest tubes, much smaller than my husband’s hands that are cupped around her. For us, and even for Holly, who is 2 and a half- we only see our child.  

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Yes- mama. You’re a mother now. In the disorienting cloud of dust left behind by the explosion that just went off around you, it was impossible to congratulate yourself. You are “mom”. Despite the nature of this place- a place where there is no privacy, a place where you must have permission and assistance to hold your baby, a place where mothering is hard- know that he is yours. You know best, even when you feel you know nothing. No one can do it better than you.

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Recently, my husband and I went to the NICU family support group to tell them our story and to show them how well Poppy is doing. During our NICU stay, those were our favorite meetings. Seeing a NICU graduate thriving post-NICU gave us hope and assured us that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. After we told them Poppy’s story, the first questions the parents asked had to do with our NICU stay and how we made it through.

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Starting a family. Pregnancy loss. Infertility. These are journeys that no one can prepare you for. Journeys that until you’ve lived them, you will never truly understand. Journeys that will give you your highest highs and your lowest lows. Journeys that most people travel alone. We did. But the more we reflect on that journey, we have come to realize that it needs to be shared because you see, it was the greatest journey of our lives. If our story can help just one person find hope, or a shoulder to lean on, or just someone to relate to, then it’s worth sharing.

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