A pink line after a preemie...

So I will be writing this blog over a course of a few weeks since we are not announcing to the world until the first trimester is done. I give this disclaimer so you don’t read this and think I am crazy for sharing the news right away. Since I am writing over a span of time, this blog will probably be longer than what you are used to, so I hope you stick with me until the end of it.

Ray and I always discussed having another child even though our entrance into parenthood was anything but ideal. I honestly wouldn’t change that experience at all since we witnessed a miracle that is Poppy, we realized how strong we are individually and as a couple, and I have met so many outstanding people because of this experience. Since we knew the cause of premature labor at 28 weeks was uterine fibroids, I had surgery in May of 2018 to remove those fibroids in hopes that getting pregnant would be easier the second go round and that the pregnancy would last to term (well 37 week scheduled C-section because of the surgery). We were able to start trying the August after the surgery and that is what we did since we knew we wanted our children close in age and for the fact 40 was getting closer and closer for me. 

The doctor stating I would have no problem getting pregnant because my uterus is now “ideal” was not true at all. Month after month of trying to no avail. I never stopped taking prenatal vitamins, I was tracking my cycle through an app, doing everything we were supposed to do and still no pregnancy. Then August 2019 rolled around and we still had no luck. We have been trying for a year when it only took 7 months with Poppy. Everyone asking/saying, “when will you have another?” or “oh it will be easier the second time around because you have already been pregnant once and your body knows what to do,” definitely didn’t help us at all in the encouragement and staying positive department! What no one factored in was the crazy amount of stress I am going through this year because the school I teach at is going through a territory transfer at the end of the year and my job is not guaranteed or the fact that I turned 39 in October, and lets face it, it is harder the older you get. 

So after a year we bought the ovulation kits, which is much cheaper than considering IVF. So I am tracking away and still it isn’t working. I was even having dreams that I was pregnant and we were sharing the news with our family, but still no pregnancy. The look of disappointment on my husband’s face each month was also a tough pill to swallow. We kept trying though. We also started to face and accept the reality that a second pregnancy might not be feasible and we were ok with that because we have Poppy and she is absolutely AMAZING in every way!!!

For some reason I decided to take a test on December 14th. Maybe I had a feeling, or truthfully I had a rough week at work, wanted a drink, Aunt Flo was expected the next day, so I wanted to make sure I was in the clear before I had the drink. The only test I had were the ones that came with the ovulation test kit. I had never used them so wasn’t too sure about them. It was there though. A second line when I least expected it showed up well before the 5-minute timer went off. I was in a state of shock and disbelief. I told my husband and I think he was equally as shocked. I guess we just didn’t think it would happen again. Of course we bought two more tests just to make sure, and they were both still positive. 

So a pink line after a preemie brings a ton of emotions and questions with it. You are of course happy, but at the same time is it fair to Poppy? She fought so hard for life, she has had our love and attention 100% of the time for almost two years now, how can we split that with another? Is that fair to her? Will we love the baby as much as we love her because she is so special to us? Then the other thoughts, what if it happens again? Will I be able to breathe at 28 weeks, 30 weeks, etc. or will I constantly be worrying about premature labor again? Can I go through that all again? With everything up in the air with work, how can I interview this summer if I need another job super pregnant? Who would hire me? Do I have to start looking now, which means leaving teaching and going back to the business world just to make sure our family stays secure? How are we going to tell our family? When do we tell them? How do we do it perfectly at Christmas? As you can see we were and still are all over the place with this. We are so happy though, I promise!

Now everything is a waiting game, which is something neither my husband nor myself are good at. We can’t wait until Christmas to tell our family. We can’t wait until our January 8th appointment to have confirmation that there is a heartbeat and that everything is hopefully ok. We can’t wait until the end of the first trimester so we can tell all of our friends and so on and so forth. Then the waiting to hopefully have a healthy full term baby at the end of the summer. 

Announcing to our family went great over the Christmas holiday. We got Poppy a shirt that said “Promoted to Big Sister” that we changed her into once we were at my brother’s house Christmas Eve to announce to my family and we wrapped it up for her to open with my MIL Christmas day to share the news with my husband’s family. Needless to say, everyone was excited. Now we wait until the first appointment.

January 8th came around and we saw our little peanut on ultrasound. Everything measured where it was supposed to be, the heart rate was strong, there was only one baby (phew), and then came the talk about my being super high risk. The trifecta of my age (39), the fact that I have already had a preemie, and then the surgery I had makes my uterus week so I will have to have a 37-week scheduled C-section or possibly 36 weeks depending on how things are going. I was told that there would be more doctor appointments and ultrasounds than the last time along with the introduction of maternal fetal medicine. We sort of knew this going into it, but to hear it out loud makes it more real and scary in a way. My husband is a natural worrier so convincing him that everything will be fine is a bit of a tough sell. He just keeps saying throughout this pregnancy, nothing can happen to you, I don’t know what I would do without you. I know my husband loves me, but now there is the pressure of making sure everything will be ok and convincing him of that. I keep telling him that is why they are going to continue to closely monitor everything to make sure everything will be all right. Now the waiting continues until the next round of appointments on February 13th that will involve an OB appointment, MFM appointment, genetic counseling and blood work, and ultrasound. Progesterone shots are starting to be discussed as well. It is all a lot!

Pregnancy with a toddler is also really hard and no one truly prepares you for that. Morning sickness is totally kicking my butt this time and Poppy doesn’t understand what is going on if I have to run from her to the bathroom. I just hear “Mommy, OK???” The fatigue is also rough this go round. I am ready to go to sleep as soon as we put Poppy down at 7:15. Poppy also brought home the stomach bug, which I of course caught and it landed me in the ER because of dehydration only for them to tell me that I had a UTI on top of it. Then we had her 2nd birthday party that turned out amazing, but I was overly exhausted from the week so I scored a killer cold right after. You don’t know how much you appreciate the Dayquil/Nyquil regiment until you are not able to take those medications.  After a week of coughing, I went to the Cleveland Clinic Express Care and found out that I got the respiratory thing going around that needs antibiotics. They aren’t kidding when they say your immune system takes a hit when you are pregnant. I don’t think I have been this sick for this long in forever! The cough lasted just over two weeks and it was so nice to finally get a restful night sleep when all was said and done since it had been about a month since that had happened. Pregnancy is definitely a lot tougher this time, the fact that I am older doesn’t help, but I have to remember it will all be worth it in the end.

So we have now made it to February 13th. The marathon of doctor appointments is now over and I got to see the little baby again. The ultrasound tech had a hard time getting the measurements they needed because the baby did not want to stay still. It was turning this way and that. There was a clear shot of the legs and when she went to click the picture, they were gone that fast. I couldn’t help but laugh at how active the baby is and thinking how I am going to be in for it when I can feel all of those movements. Finally, the baby stayed still long enough to get the NT measurement, which was within the normal limits and to measure the heart rate and to let me hear it. When things end up normal it is always reassuring that everything will be all right. It was confirmed that we would begin the progesterone shots as a precaution. Even though everyone realizes that my preterm labor was because of the fibroids, all agree it is better to get the shots just in case. Then after all of the doctor appointments I got my blood drawn for the normal prenatal screening stuff but all for the genetic tests. I was told Tuesday of next week, but if I don’t hear by Thursday to call. So here I am waiting again to make sure my baby is low risk for all of the scary stuff and with that we will also find the gender. 

I am learning there is a lot of waiting involved with pregnancy and it is a test of how patient I can be when needed. I know I have been through pregnancy before, but I think you are in that honeymoon phase a bit longer with your first pregnancy that you don’t realize all the waiting that you actually do because you are just so excited to be pregnant. This time around it is just hard because you remember what you went through the first time. It is hard to know that a test is being done to make sure that your baby is healthy and will develop normally. You want those answers right away, but know you have to be patient because it takes time. It has been hard to wait and tell everyone because you want to share the exciting news even though you are still being cautious in the back of your mind because you want everything to go right this time around and you are still thinking, “what if it happens again?”

We just started telling more people that are close to us this past weekend since I am about to start week thirteen and the 1st trimester is coming to an end (thank goodness!), but in the back of our mind we know we are still waiting on those test results. However, it is nice to know we have the support of our friends and family now should something go wrong. Extra prayers are always welcome! We let Poppy wear her big sister shirt to school finally to make the announcement there and I announced to my classes this week and let them vote what they think the gender will be. Once we get the confirmation with genetic test results that everything is all right and what the gender is, we will finally make our social media announcement and I will share this blog with all of you. 

So Tuesday rolled around, no phone call. Wednesday, again, no phone call. As I stated above, my husband is a natural worrier so he went worse case scenario right away as to why we didn’t get that call. I told him to quit worrying because some people don’t get these results for 10 days so a week isn’t bad. Then I called Thursday morning only to find out there was a mix up in the system with the orders that she would call the lab, but it is in California so we have to wait for them to open. Again, more waiting. The genetic counselor called back to explain that the mix up is now straightened out and that we would have to wait until tomorrow or Monday for the results. This is a bummer because we have to wait again, and we wanted to do that social media announcement this weekend with the gender. 

Surprises all around! The counselor actually called back Thursday afternoon because the lab put a priority on it for us. We were negative for all of the scary things that could happen which is good because our mind can be put at ease a little bit. To my biggest surprise…….it is a boy!! I swore up and down we were having another girl since my pregnancies have been so similar (minus all the illnesses this go round). So we will have one of each which is exciting with that slight disappointment because we actually thought two girls would be great since we have all of the stuff. At least now with the waiting and nervousness I can shop for boy clothes. 

So the announcement will get to go on this weekend and I will finally get to share this blog with all of you. I know it was long so I hope you stuck with me until the end. There are just so many thoughts and emotions I have experienced through this first trimester that I know if you get that second pink line after a preemie, you will go through them too.  I have seen both the good and bad happen with a pregnancy after the NICU for my ever-growing NICU family. I have shared in the joy and pain they have experienced whether it is only online correspondence or in person. I know this little boy I am carrying is a miracle especially since I thought a second pregnancy might not happen. I know I will be as healthy as I can be and follow all doctor’s orders throughout this pregnancy so I can hit that magic 37 week number. I know when I hit 28 weeks I will be a ball of nerves because I will be left wondering if it will happen again. I know I probably won’t be able to take that deep breath of relief until that baby boy is delivered, it is confirmed that he is healthy, and that I can have him in my arms. A pink line after a preemie is scary; there is no way around that. It is also joyous, and I know it will all be ok with the support of my family, my friends, and my NICU family. Happy thoughts and prayers are welcome!